Tonawanda News — President Obama will deliver his fifth State of the Union address in nine days. Here are some of the things he probably won’t say:
“Mr. Speaker, Congress, the American people, I stand before you today presiding over an economy that is still pretty crappy. I’ve got some small bore ideas you’re going to hear all about in a minute — elected representatives, feel free to stand and clap or boo, it’s pretty much your only job here tonight — but first, I must say for the record, the state of our union is strong. Except for Texas. I think they’re still debating secession.
Texas notwithstanding, there are millions of our fellow Americans out of work. Rather than try to help them keep the lights from being shut off, we’re yanking their unemployment benefits. So, you know, that’s a decent idea. Good work, people.
This could be OK if we had anything resembling industrial policy to help them find jobs in this country but we don’t. The plan, as I’ve laid out numerous times before, is to continue to allow developing countries to do the tough jobs most Americans are now too lazy to do while we make vast sums of money selling each other cellphones and fast food cheeseburgers.
We have not raised the minimum wage in a generation and as a result, all those cheeseburger sellers can’t afford to buy anything besides their own dollar menu items.
Did I mention the dollar menu cheeseburger at McDonald’s is now $1.29? That sucks. It should still be 99 cents. That’s why I’m calling on lawmakers to pass my landmark Dollar Menu Preservation Act, requiring all fast food restaurants to charge no more than a dollar for that stuff.
[BIPARTISAN STANDING OVATION]
Speaking of fatty foods, we’re all getting a little thick around the middle these days. That’s why we passed Obamacare, to prevent health insurance companies from dropping people due to pre-existing conditions. In 20 years when eight in 10 Americans has Type II diabetes, you’re going to be real happy we did that.