Published: May 14, 2007 01:22 pm      

COMMENTARY: It's jail, Paris, not the Hilton

Hello, is this Lee Baca, Los Angeles County sheriff?

Sheriff Baca, I am calling on behalf of Paris Hilton, who soon will become a guest of your county jail, in what, may I say, is a complete mockery of the American justice system. I can’t imagine what that judge was thinking when he sentenced my client to 45 days in jail for violating her probation.

Be that as it may, Ms. Hilton has asked me to pass along some special requests regarding her impending incarceration.

First, let’s deal with her sleeping arrangements. Ms. Hilton is simply not going to subject to being confined to a (shudder) cell. I understand the cells in your Century Regional Detention Center are roughly 12 feet by 8 feet. Ms. Hilton’s bed is bigger than that. Actually, her dog’s bed is bigger than that. Ms. Hilton is going to have to have a suite of rooms, each with king-sized beds. If necessary, she would accept queen-sized beds, but only under protest.

Each bed must be fitted with Egyptian cotton sheets of a minimum 1,500 thread count. Anything less than 1,000 thread count will be considered cruel and unusual punishment and you can be sure the American Civil Liberties Union will be alerted. Your sheets are what, 130 count? Is she going to jail in L.A. or Guantanamo Bay?

Ms. Hilton will, of course, require a private bathroom with a whirlpool tub and shower. A selection of Paris Hilton perfume products in a welcome package would be a nice touch. What’s that, a toilet, sink and polished metal mirror in her cell? You’re such a card. And her welcome kit will consist of a toothbrush, one tube of toothpaste, soap, a comb, deodorant, shampoo and shaving implements? I think I’m going to faint.

Ms. Hilton will take her meals in her suite, of course. There will be no prison mess hall for her. And, please, don’t even think of shoving a metal tray filled with gruel through a slot in her cell door. For breakfast Ms. Hilton would like fruit crepes, with an occasional omelet. For lunch a light salad is preferred, and for dinner filet mignon should be the main course. I would advise you to lay in a supply of caviar, pate de fois gras and champagne, preferably Krug, Clos du Mesnil 1995, at only about $750 for a bottle.

How’s that? Three low-salt meals per day, with dinner the only hot meal? And basically the only meat you serve is chicken? Very funny, sheriff, but there is such a thing as carrying a joke too far. Breakfast is served when? Between 6:30 and 7:30 a.m.? Most mornings Ms. Hilton is just coming in at that time. Oh, right, jail, I forgot.

I hope you aren’t even thinking about trying to get her to wear some sort of inmate attire. Oh, no, that will never do. Perhaps a dress from Karanina or a 12-inch pencil leg jean by J Brand with a cap sleeve top by Karen Zambos. An orange jumpsuit? Your sense of humor is remarkable.

But Sheriff Baca, you don’t understand. There is an online petition asking your governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to pardon Paris because, “She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.”

So should we have the governor call you directly when he commutes Ms. Hilton’s sentence, or simply alert the national media? Don’t call you, you’ll call us? What does that mean, Sheriff Baca? Sheriff? Hmm, I think we were cut off.

Jeff Mullin writes for Enid (Okla.) News & Eagle.