Tonawanda News


November 29, 2012

DUVALL: A dollar (or two) and a dream

Tonawanda News — They say all it takes is a dollar and a dream. That’s not entirely true for this week’s record $500 million Powerball jackpot, though.

It actually costs $2.

I haven’t bought a ticket yet, but I probably will. Unless I forget, which is plenty likely. But with so many people day-dreaming about such an incredible pot of gold I figured why not engage in some of it myself.

Here follows an abridged list of the things I could do if I had $500 million:

• I would pay my favorite band from my high school and college years, the Barenaked Ladies, to write a new song: “If I had $500 million.” Then I would rent out First Niagara Center for a free concert to have them play it — with all the original band members on stage.

• While we’re mentioning First Niagara Center, where the Buffalo Sabres aren’t playing right now, I would publicly offer to pay the $182 million separating the NHL owners and players in the lockout.

Perhaps the public shaming would move both sides to an agreement. If not, I’d buy the Phoenix Coyotes, being sold out of bankruptcy for pennies on the dollar and do my best Terry Pegula impersonation.

Owning a professional hockey team would be awesome and $500 million would get the job done.

• If I decided football was a better sporting outlet I’d offer to buy out Ryan Fitzpatrick’s contract just so I could stop getting so mad every time he throws a game-ending interception.

In so doing I would probably add years to my life in spared aggravation. 

• I’d buy Ann Romney another dressage horse to make up for all the times I made fun of it during the campaign.

• I’d cut a check to the Papa John’s owner for $8 million, just to make him shut up about Obamacare. Any restaurant owner who threatens to raise prices on mediocre fare to make a political point would, I’m certain, take the money and run. Then we would all know just how disingenuous that guy is.

Text Only
  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: Conflict in Ukraine now a concern of global proportions It seems increasingly clear Ukrainian separatists, with the help from the Russian military, are responsible for the tragedy. They, of course, have denied it. They've also denied access to the crash site to international investigators seeking to recover the dead and determine what happened. That's not something the innocent party does.

    July 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • ADAMCZYK: Personal development, rendered in steel Accepting the premise that everyone needs to fill the same amount of time every day (24 hours, every day), some people use theirs rebuilding things, tangible things, and thus fulfill a few intangible goals.

    July 18, 2014

  • WALLACE: Festival season is underway Summer is the season of fairs and festivals. From Canal Fest in the Tonawandas to the Allentown Art Festival and Italian Heritage Festival in Buffalo to the Erie County Fair in Hamburg, the Western New York area has no shortage of things to do with the family over the summer.

    July 17, 2014

  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: King George's abdication leaves many questions I've covered Niagara County politics for 10 years and it's been a fascinating -- and often infuriating -- experience. With the news the man known with equal parts respect and cynicism as "King George" is walking away it's about to get more interesting.

    July 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Canal Fest, here we come This column should be titled "Roads and Streets." First of all, Meadow Drive is finally open. Although it took very long to be completed, it's beautiful. Riding by the other day brought into focus how many people will use this to cut across town. One less thing for residents to complain about.

    July 12, 2014

  • ADAMCZYK: Homesick for someplace I've never been You stumble over things that make you wonder. I do, at least, and the latest is one of those advertising artifacts from yesteryear that encourage me to ponder what's changed and what never will.

    July 11, 2014

  • WALLACE: Playing politics as usual The immigration crisis is just the most recent example of how dysfunctional Washington, D.C. is right now.

    July 10, 2014

  • duvall, eric.jpg A stunning scandal in Mississippi-voting|DUVALL: A stunning scandal in Mississippi We don't tend to talk a whole lot about Mississippi on this paper's editorial page and for good reason. It's a long way away in both distance and temperament. But I swear this will be worth it.

    July 9, 2014 1 Photo

  • confer, bob.jpg CONFER: Employers don't need 24/7 access to workers

    July 9, 2014 1 Photo

  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: Taste of Buffalo sneaks up again This time next week you can find me tromping somewhere up and down Delaware Avenue in Buffalo. I'll be there with tens of thousands of my closest friends.

    July 6, 2014 1 Photo