Tonawanda News — [DEMOCRATS CLAP HESITANTLY, REPUBLICANS BOO INCESSANTLY]
And before you ask, yes, that damn website will be working by then. In fact it’s working right now. Sort of. Millions of people have used it and report only moderate levels of frustration and confusion. Industry experts say they’re getting new customers. But millions more must still sign up.
That’s why I’ve ordered a full-on public relations blitz to encourage younger Americans to get coverage. We’re really pulling out all the stops. We’ve devised a system that floods twenty-somethings’ Twitter feeds with kitten memes and Buzzfeed has agreed to create “27 Ways You Know You Have Health Insurance.” I’ve instructed my staff to share it on their Facebook pages.
Despite all this good news there are still many problems in our country. Problems you all have refused to do diddly squat about, I might add.
[BIPARTISAN STANDING OVATION]
This is my fifth time up here and every time I come down to this end of Pennsylvania Avenue I make the obligatory reference to immigration reform. But this time I really mean it. We’re going to overhaul our nation’s broken immigration system. We’re going to create a path to citizenship for the millions of people whose only crime was being born in another country — and sneaking into this one illegally.
[DEMOCRATS APPLAUD, REPUBLICANS SCOFF SHOWILY]
And to do this we must work together. Really, I just need you all to do some kind of work at all. My approval ratings have hit a low point but you do realize only 9 percent of Americans like you, right? I mean, 9 percent is a really low number of Americans. More people approve of root canals than you.
So in the name of bipartisanship I say, together, we will work to restore Americans’ faith in government, or at least like us more than painful dental procedures.
Thank you, God bless you and may God bless the United States of America.”Eric DuVall is the managing editor of the Tonawanda News. Contact him at email@example.com or follow him on Twitter, @EricRDuVall.