Tonawanda News

Opinion

January 19, 2014

DUVALL: Obama's un-stately State of the Union

(Continued)

Tonawanda News — [DEMOCRATS CLAP HESITANTLY, REPUBLICANS BOO INCESSANTLY]

And before you ask, yes, that damn website will be working by then. In fact it’s working right now. Sort of. Millions of people have used it and report only moderate levels of frustration and confusion. Industry experts say they’re getting new customers. But millions more must still sign up. 

That’s why I’ve ordered a full-on public relations blitz to encourage younger Americans to get coverage. We’re really pulling out all the stops. We’ve devised a system that floods twenty-somethings’ Twitter feeds with kitten memes and Buzzfeed has agreed to create “27 Ways You Know You Have Health Insurance.” I’ve instructed my staff to share it on their Facebook pages.

Despite all this good news there are still many problems in our country. Problems you all have refused to do diddly squat about, I might add.

[BIPARTISAN STANDING OVATION]

This is my fifth time up here and every time I come down to this end of Pennsylvania Avenue I make the obligatory reference to immigration reform. But this time I really mean it. We’re going to overhaul our nation’s broken immigration system. We’re going to create a path to citizenship for the millions of people whose only crime was being born in another country — and sneaking into this one illegally.

[DEMOCRATS APPLAUD, REPUBLICANS SCOFF SHOWILY]

And to do this we must work together. Really, I just need you all to do some kind of work at all. My approval ratings have hit a low point but you do realize only 9 percent of Americans like you, right? I mean, 9 percent is a really low number of Americans. More people approve of root canals than you.

So in the name of bipartisanship I say, together, we will work to restore Americans’ faith in government, or at least like us more than painful dental procedures.

Thank you, God bless you and may God bless the United States of America.”

Eric DuVall is the managing editor of the Tonawanda News. Contact him at eric.duvall@tonawanda-news.com or follow him on Twitter, @EricRDuVall.

Text Only
Opinion
  • ADAMCZYK: The greatest luxury: peace, quiet It is not difficult, for anyone with the intent, to know more about you than you think they should. Every step of yours involving interactive technology can be molded into a picture of how you spend your time, money and thought.

    August 1, 2014

  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: On lines blurred, crossed and nonexistent It strikes me more and more how blurry the lines have gotten in all facets of our world, large and small.

    July 28, 2014 1 Photo

  • Tucker, Barbara.jpg TUCKER: Oh, the joys of Sound Off Never thought the words "Thank goodness for Sound Off" would ever be printed here.

    July 26, 2014 1 Photo

  • adamczyk, ed.jpg ADAMCZYK: And now for something completely different... Last weekend I attended a local movie theater (a plushy, posh experience; they design these places now to get you out of your living room and away from your home electronics) to watch the sun set on the British Empire.

    July 25, 2014 1 Photo

  • OUR VIEW: Arson suspect never deserved bail Two of the 11 fires reported on Fifth Avenue could have been prevented with some jurisprudence in evaluating whether the suspect, Michelle Johnston, deserved to be offered bail. Given the obvious nature of a repeat offender who was charged with nine felony arson counts, bail never should have been offered in this case.

    July 25, 2014

  • wallace, amy.jpg WALLACE: Too much information? Is there such a thing as TMI or too much information anymore? Some might say yes.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: On reading and the lack thereof It was surprising to me a few weeks ago when a friend asked a group of us to estimate how many books we have each read over the last five years. The English teacher said 200 and he far and away led the pack. I was probably the median and my number was 20-25.

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • confer, bob.jpg CONFER: A Con-Con would be a con game

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • duvall, eric.jpg DUVALL: Conflict in Ukraine now a concern of global proportions It seems increasingly clear Ukrainian separatists, with the help from the Russian military, are responsible for the tragedy. They, of course, have denied it. They've also denied access to the crash site to international investigators seeking to recover the dead and determine what happened. That's not something the innocent party does.

    July 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • ADAMCZYK: Personal development, rendered in steel Accepting the premise that everyone needs to fill the same amount of time every day (24 hours, every day), some people use theirs rebuilding things, tangible things, and thus fulfill a few intangible goals.

    July 18, 2014