Tonawanda News — ROLL TIDE ROLL: It's the middle of the season and the Tide does roll. Names like Arkansas, Tennessee and LSU look good on the schedule, but Saban knows better. "How dare they challenge me with their primitive skills," he crows, channeling his inner Mike Tyson.
CHATTANOOGA: The Mocs travel to Tuscaloosa for this one, trying to avoid a letdown after back-to-back big games against Wofford and Samford. They do a bit of sightseeing on the trip, and make sure they pat the 9-foot-tall statue of Saban outside Bryant-Denny Stadium for good luck. With a game against erstwhile rival Auburn the next week, Saban rests his regulars and suits up a collection of walk-ons along with the entire trombone section from the band. They win 62-3, but a scowling Saban kicks them all off the team for dishonoring both Alabama football and Bear Bryant by not covering the 73-point spread set by Vegas oddsmakers.
SOUTH CAROLINA: Alabama is still undefeated heading into in SEC title game, and with Manziel now suspended for the next two years for operating a superstore selling signed apparel, the Heisman is now a two-man race between McCarron and South Carolina's Jadeveon Clowney. The Ol' Ball Coach has a few tricks up his sleeve for the big game, but Clowney disappears like one of Manti Te'o's girlfriends in the second half and Alabama punches a ticket to its third straight BCS title game. Saban celebrates by smiling, but only once.
STANFORD: Yes, Stanford. The place where Google was invented and the only school with a tree for a mascot. Takes so many brains to get in there that most football players don't even try and go play in the SEC instead. But in this, the most glorious football season in the history of academia, Stanford has beaten everyone and earned a spot in the BCS title game. Saban and his assistants spend the holidays watching game film 20 hours a day and are confident they have a plan to win. But Stanford pulls a fast one, putting in a brand new playbook that takes the entire squad only two days to memorize. Saban watches hopelessly as the Cardinal run plays he has never seen before, then is forced to watch as Stanford players dance with the tree at midfield to celebrate their national title.
Meanwhile, the bookies in Vegas close up shop. Because even they won't give odds of that happening.